Republic of Ireland international and former Durham WFC player, Seana Cooke explains her recent difficult decision to retire from the game due to illness.
As I write this 2014 has come to an end, with all that happened last year it has me thinking about what 2015 might hold and where I be this time next year. For anyone reading this that is not aware, 2014 brought a lot of big life changes for me, the most significant was my diagnosis of Menieres Disease. Exactly 12 months ago I had my very first attack. The months that ensued brought an array of challenges for me, both physically and mentally. To say I was unprepared would be an understatement. 2014 definitely wasn’t the most positive year of my life, but it is one that I am glad happened nonetheless. I believe that sometime’s we go through stages or events that change us and we can never go back to who we once were. For me events have happened, I have changed in many ways and I have had to make changes as a result, a few easy and some painstakingly hard. One of the hard one’s is the reason I am writing this blog. I think its time I finally came to terms with hanging up my Copa’s (football boots for those of you who are not obsessed with Adidas classics); it has without a doubt been the toughest decision I have ever made.
After my diagnosis and with some steady progress I finally got back to the pitch mid 2014. Unfortunately though the dream didn’t last, the strain I was putting myself under physically resulted in more attacks, more sickness, alongside other difficulties I was trying to cope with during training and games. I also began to feel quite anxious, worried and depressed again; believe me, it is unbearable tough to come to terms with the reality that something you love is effecting you negatively too. It all just started to get on top of me to be honest. It wasn’t only about the stress I was putting myself under but also on those around me; my parents, sister, brother in law and closest friends. I had already been in and out of a difficult place earlier that year and I just couldn’t allow myself down that path again. So at that point I took some time away from the pitch to concentrate on my physical and mental wellbeing. That decision was hard considering the WNL season had only begun but it was made easier by my supportive team mates at UCD Waves. So this is where I am now, sitting in a busy cafe writing this blog. I do want to officially say I am retiring but that is secondary as my first intention with this piece of writing is to thank all those within football that have made my time on the pitch incredibly special and greatly memorable.
Being completely honest I was never the most talented footballer or athlete, I wasn’t even close by a long shot. I personally feel for a pretty average player I got more than I could have ever imagined from the game. I firmly believe that it was never my ability that provided many opportunities and experiences, but it was in fact down to the strength and influence of my coaches and teammates along the way, and for that I will be forever grateful to every single one of them (too many to list!). It is the interaction and learning from those people that I will miss the most.
Well, what now? This is a question I have asked myself constantly over the past while and I have really felt quite lost a lot of the time. I recently finished Oprah Winfrey’s book ‘What I know for sure’. One of my favourite parts of the book is on resilience in which Oprah talks about life lessons and dark patches, stating; ‘Anything can be a miracle, a blessing, an opportunity if you choose to see it that way’. I have been extremely unlucky in a sense, especially when you read that 1 in 1,000 people can develop Menieres disease. I have also been extremely unlucky as it has led me to hanging up my boots prematurely. And until recently I allowed all the hardship of that bad luck have great influence on my thoughts and actions. I spent a lot of time asking why has this happened to me? And then I started to ask why not me?
Football has provided me with the majority of the best moments of my life to date, but it has also resulted in me missing a lot of things too; family events (both happy and sad), celebrations, holidays and other things I have always had ambitions to pursue. And if I was at the start of my career, would I do it all again? Without a doubt yes! …But I’m not, I have now been given the opportunity to do those things, to change my direction and even try new things. I aim to travel a bit more, take up some courses and just enjoy the things I once happily sacrificed for the love of my sport. Thats not saying I am happily skipping away from the sport I love; a piece of my heart will always feel broken but for my own sanity I need to focus on the doors that now open. It was great while it lasted, I leave with nothing but the best memories and a happy heart.
I will finish off with saying what I aimed to do in writing this blog. I wish to thank all those within the game that I once called manager, coach, mentor and team mate. Especially all of those at Raheny United (where my heart will forever lie!), Arsenal, St.Francis, Durham and my short time at UCD Waves. I also want to say thank you to all the great people I have had the honour of working with throughout my time with international teams, chiefly Sue Ronan, Ger Dunne, Paul Martyn and all the girls that I have proudly stood alongside on that front. There is not a single moment I regret, it has been a pleasure and I thank you all for being apart of my career and providing me with some of my greatest memories.
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